Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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