I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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