I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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