I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How does one acquire holy water?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
