awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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