Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
