two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
