True but thats because hes a fetus.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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