Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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