Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
