Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
