I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Randomize
