I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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