im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
