have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
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do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
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Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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