And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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