WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i already hear my dad disowning me
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
