Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize