So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I wish there were birth control emojis
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
