He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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