I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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