guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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