nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
