Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
