dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
