Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
