Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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