Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
