well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
