your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
