I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
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I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
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I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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