Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
