just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
