I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
