I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
