the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I want you more than these girls want KFC
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
