i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
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I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
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it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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