i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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