Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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