Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
