if you like me you must not know who I am
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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