I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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