You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
