Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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