considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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