Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
