I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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