Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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