God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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