i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
