hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
