i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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