i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
