Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
