so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
