I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
do herpes really smell.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
