Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
