I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
