Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
