im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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