her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
